What we can learn from Baywatch

Baywatch is shown in 140 countries - and viewed by millions. Here's a list of things people around the world are learning about Americans by watching this show.

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

7. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

8. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

9. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

This was written by Eric Spitznagel and Brendan Baber, and will be included in their upcoming book, Planet Baywatch: The Unofficial Guide To the New World Order. It first appeared in Playboy magazine. Eric also let me re-print an outtake from the book, called Is David Hasselhoff Plotting World Domination? which examines the lyrics to Hasselhoff's music for possible hidden meaning....check it out!

Be sure to check out David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist, which I wrote. And Elvis Lives, Princess Dies. And the World's Most Politically-Incorrect Beach Towel.

They're hysterical. I think.

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Warren S. Apel

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